Merry elfing Christmas...

Click on the link at the end of this entry to hear 

the author (that's me, that is) read it to you 

in his, I mean my, soothing, Salfordian tone.

This year, as last, and the one before 

The big, fat man paused at the door

To kiss his wife a fond farewell

And leave for work as he rang his bell

Mrs Claus' smile faltered as she saw his rear

"Those pants don't fit him like they did last year"

"Never mind", she thought, "I've a needle and thread

"I can take them in when he goes to bed."

He climbed aboard his magical sleigh

And urged his reindeer on their way

With a jingle of bells and a "Ho-ho-ho"

They sped aloft through the driving snow

To spread joy and love and treats and gifts

To all the kids on the nice-kid list

And just because he loved them, too

A gift or two for those naughty, like you

All children asleep, for it was by now late

He touched down gently upon the slates

Of the roof of a family on the Isle of Wight

And so began his arduous night

The one night of the year that he had to work

The one night of the year that he couldn't shirk

The night that he loved, his reason to live

To receive no thanks, just to give, give and give

No longer so young, the ache in his back

Brought forth a wince as he picked up the sack

Then he climbed down the chimney, all covered in soot

And crept to the tree where he silently put

The toys and the games for the child of the house

Then crept back out slowly, as quiet as a mouse

He returned to his sleigh, climbed aboard and took off

That's when Donder and Blixem noticed the cough 

He tired far too quickly to finish his tasks

His once happy face was the colour of ash

Before he had gotten even half way around

His body went limp and he fell to the ground

From the magical sleigh that swept through the sky

He plummeted Earthward, no glint in his eye

He lay in an alley, all twisted and bloody

The snow settling gently and covering his body

He lay there all night 'til the wintry sun rose

No part of him visible except for his nose

The snow slowly thawed, his body did not

Icicles formed in his eyes and his snot

Until a man, down on his luck

Spotted him there and whispered "Oh fuck"

He looked left and right, he was all alone

Save for the dead man lying there prone

He'd only been looking for somewhere he could

Stick a needle in his arm and poison his blood

With his own special brand of Christmas cheer

The poison to cure his pain and his fear

He took the coat and boots and hat

From the broken body he'd found and that

He left in the slush for the rats to eat

And eat they did, at least his feet

Before being disturbed and running away

At the sound of the footsteps on that last Christmas day

That came from the man with the bags in his hands

Filled with paper and cardboard and empty beer cans

That he brought to place in the big, green skip

That served the flats in which he lived

The flats with no chimneys, where no children dwelt

And the lack of a gift wasn't noticed or felt

So forget about nice, there's no need to behave

Old Father Christmas now lies in a grave

Unmarked by a cross or a stone or some flowers

No lists does he write as he whiles away hours

Just killing the time until that special night

When he embarks once again on his magical flight

And he bends space and time in his mission to share

Joy with all, young and old, every year, everywhere

It comes to us all, just as night follows day

Enjoy what you've got 'fore it's taken away

'Twas the soot in your chimneys that killed him you know?

Think about that while you're watching the snow

Outside your window on your next Christmas morning

How he lies in a hole, no mourners there mourning

He's gone now, hard luck, he wont be bringing that

Toy that you asked for, you ungrateful twat.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

J2H.