Podcast : Patty does... Naughty elephants squirt water.

Another of those stories that rhyme. Due to popular demand, this one features Patty's dulcet tones rather than my hacking growl and wheezy cough. 

"Naughty elephants squirt water" 

on Audioboom and YouTube.

Naughty elephants squirt water.

He sniffed at the air with his wrinkly nose

And made his way on tippety-toes

To the washing line where he stole some clothes

And put them on then suddenly froze

He sniffed and sniffed and sniffed once more

Then followed the fragrance in through the door

Of the house of the lady that came home and saw

Those dirty great footprints across her clean floor

She'd only popped out to buy lemonade

To enjoy with her friends and the buns that she'd made

The buns that she'd placed on the table she'd laid

Before going to the shop on the shopping parade

She couldn't believe the mess that she found

China and table lay scattered around

No buns were remaining, just crumbs on the ground

Then, from up above, there came an odd sound

Those dirty great footprints carried on through

The kitchen and up the stairs, into the loo

She shrieked when she saw it, couldn't imagine who

Could do such a dirty, great, steaming, huge poo

She crept down the landing and peeped through the lock

In the door to her bedroom and got a huge shock 

An elephant winding up her alarm clock

Yawning and stretching and wearing her frock

"You cheeky, wee beggar" the old lady did shout

As she strode in the room waving her cane about

"You'll clean up your mess, of that there's no doubt

Now go flush that toilet, you wrinkly. grey lout"

Now, an elephant's feet were never designed to

Pick up broken plates or to fix them with glue 

And he'd never before had to flush away poo

'Til his recent and daring escape from the zoo

He'd spent many an hour plotting plot after plot

But managed no more than diddly-squat 

Then, this very morning, believe it or not

His cage was left open so off he did trot

He was spotted escaping by that daft keeper who'd

Left unlocked his lock and the keeper pursued

He'd found a disguise and some lovely, warm food

And a toilet upon which he'd sat and he'd pooed

His lack of fingers and thumbs aside

The naughty elephant really tried

To clean up the mess that he'd made inside

The house where the lady who baked did reside

She'd watched and she'd laughed as he'd tried hard to mop

The floor of the kitchen, but she'd had to stop

Him from making it worse with his slop, slop, slop, slop 

And sent him away to the local cake shop

He wore some dark glasses, a scarf and a hat

And crept through the streets as quiet as a cat

Purchased the buns and had a quick chat

With the baker, then turned around and headed back

He'd very near made it without being seen

But the local police force were really quite keen

To capture the beast, they'd rather have been

With coffee and doughnuts in the station canteen

The leaves on the path were hiding a net

That sprang up around him as fast as a jet

Then, quick as a flash, poor Jumbo did get

A jab in the bum from the zoo's friendly vet 

Back behind bars but he didn't feel sad

The pachyderm sat with his trunk in the bag

Of buns that he'd woken to find he still had

He smiled as he munched, life wasn't so bad

 He went and he sucked up a trunk full of water

And sprayed passers by though he shouldn't have oughta

He soaked a fat man and his red headed daughter

Who shrieked and who clutched the stuffed bear that he'd bought her

Then later that night with the moon overhead

And the visitors gone and the residents fed

The big, tired beast lay upon his own bed

And smiled as he thought of adventures ahead

All it would take was a little mishap

A gate left unlocked by that old keeper chap

But next time not stopping to take a quick nap

And not walking into a dirty, great trap

Next time he would make it, to freedom he'd flee

Stowaway on a liner and sail every sea

Or find a nice jungle and finally be

What all creatures want, just happy and free

J2H & PDF.

Podcast : J2H does... Hell hath no furry.

I wrote some stories that rhymed. Hear me say yet another of them out loud.

"Hell hath no furry" 

on Audioboom and YouTube.

listen to ‘J2H does... Hell hath no furry.’ on audioBoom

Hell hath no furry.

Look at it there, curled up on the mat

In front of the fire, your lovely pet cat

Snoring and twitching as dreams it does dream

A look on it's face like the cat that got cream

But make no mistake as you tickle his ear

That sleek, silky creature's a beast you should fear

See, the Devil's last job, before banished below

Was to design the critter to be the dog's foe

He took essence of cruelty and oil of brute

And poured them both in to a small, furry suit

Equipped it with teeth and with claws that could tear

And eyes like a demon and soft, shiny hair

The love of our dogs was already established

We'd chosen to love our terriers and mastiffs

Boxers and Shepherds, Pugs and Shit'zu

Cockers and Spaniels and Rottweilers too

Some bred to protect and some bred to work

Each with his own unique, special quirk

Our dogs had been curling up beneath our feet

Since long before Lucifer first felt Hell's heat

"Never return" bellowed him with the beard

"And take that cat with you, it's icky. It's weird!"

Cast down from Heaven the ex-Angel fell

Screeching and flailing and plunging to Hell

Construction of fiery pits underway

The Devil was toiling away every day

His time now more precious, his project forgotten

Pooing on Brimstone and licking it's bottom

It sat and it watched as Evil was born

Cold and disinterested, yawning a yawn

Soaking up evil, the cat honed his skills

And learnt the dark arts through eons until

Bored with his lot the cat made his way

From Hades to Horwich, via freshly dug grave

He skulked and he stalked his way through the town

Peering through windows, not making a sound

He watched as an infant stirred in his bed

And awoke with a wail to be straight away fed

By a mother who smiled as she cradled him in

Close to her breast and tickled his chin

Son sated and sleepy, mum returned to her bed

Where, now exhausted, she slept like the dead

While in the next room Satan's own handiwork

Slipped in through a window and in the gloom lurked

He sniffed at the air and leapt into the crib

Of the baby now snoring and lay 'cross his ribs

He lapped at the air and did hungrily feed

Upon the sweet breath that the sweet baby breathed

Now, the food in the underworld isn't the best

They've nothing so tasty as milk from the breast

Of a smiling, tired mother while sat by the bed

Of her offspring who'd cried when he'd had to be fed

But it isn't so easy to feed on a child

When your very presence sends it's family's dog wild

So he turned on the charm and he hung round the house

Occasionally killing a rat or a mouse

And chasing off birds and burying turds

Or lying in sunshine, purring his purrs

Until that fateful day, while licking his paws

He came up with the plan that would get him indoors

Old Nick had lost interest before finishing off

The voice of the cat, all it had was a cough

But if the cat coughed, and coughed the cough right,

He found he could sound like a babe in the night

A sound no good mother would ever ignore

A sound that he found could open a door

Or bring forth a bowl all laden with fish

And a splash of cow's milk poured into a dish

Big eyes designed mainly for hunting at night

Lost their evil shimmer when viewed in daylight

So, once he'd licked all the milk from his chin

The infant's daft mother invited him in

The smartest trick Beelzebub managed

Was to bottle pure evil within a cute package

Then let it loose upon the world

Where now upon our laps it curls

And naps and dreams and looks so cute

A demon in an angels suit

But make no mistake, once fast asleep

Upon your chest he'll silently leap

He'll open his jaws and he'll drink in your breath

Feasting until you start to near death

Then back downstairs your cat will creep

To lie on your jacket and go back to sleep

They'll poo in your kitchen and scratch your best chair

They'll bring home what they kill and they'll leave it lay there

On the mat by the door, or worse still on your stair

And watch as you shriek when you tread on it there

They'll purr and they'll preen and they'll watch as you fetch

A dustpan and brush and they'll laugh as you retch

They'll jump on your lap and they'll claw at your belly

Whenever you settle in front of the telly

They'll hate you and long for the day that you die

The day that they'll feast on your cheeks and your eyes

What kind of person, knowing all that

Would choose to share their home with a CAT?

J2H.