Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Podcast : Patty does... Naughty elephants squirt water.

Another of those stories that rhyme. Due to popular demand, this one features Patty's dulcet tones rather than my hacking growl and wheezy cough. 

"Naughty elephants squirt water" 

on Audioboom and YouTube.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Naughty elephants squirt water.

He sniffed at the air with his wrinkly nose
And made his way on tippety-toes
To the washing line where he stole some clothes
And put them on then suddenly froze

He sniffed and sniffed and sniffed once more
Then followed the fragrance in through the door
Of the house of the lady that came home and saw
Those dirty great footprints across her clean floor

She'd only popped out to buy lemonade
To enjoy with her friends and the buns that she'd made
The buns that she'd placed on the table she'd laid
Before going to the shop on the shopping parade

She couldn't believe the mess that she found
China and table lay scattered around
No buns were remaining, just crumbs on the ground
Then, from up above, there came an odd sound

Those dirty great footprints carried on through
The kitchen and up the stairs, into the loo
She shrieked when she saw it, couldn't imagine who
Could do such a dirty, great, steaming, huge poo

She crept down the landing and peeped through the lock
In the door to her bedroom and got a huge shock 
An elephant winding up her alarm clock
Yawning and stretching and wearing her frock

"You cheeky, wee beggar" the old lady did shout
As she strode in the room waving her cane about
"You'll clean up your mess, of that there's no doubt
Now go flush that toilet, you wrinkly. grey lout"

Now, an elephant's feet were never designed to
Pick up broken plates or to fix them with glue 
And he'd never before had to flush away poo
'Til his recent and daring escape from the zoo

He'd spent many an hour plotting plot after plot
But managed no more than diddly-squat 
Then, this very morning, believe it or not
His cage was left open so off he did trot

He was spotted escaping by that daft keeper who'd
Left unlocked his lock and the keeper pursued
He'd found a disguise and some lovely, warm food
And a toilet upon which he'd sat and he'd pooed

His lack of fingers and thumbs aside
The naughty elephant really tried
To clean up the mess that he'd made inside
The house where the lady who baked did reside

She'd watched and she'd laughed as he'd tried hard to mop
The floor of the kitchen, but she'd had to stop
Him from making it worse with his slop, slop, slop, slop 
And sent him away to the local cake shop

He wore some dark glasses, a scarf and a hat
And crept through the streets as quiet as a cat
Purchased the buns and had a quick chat
With the baker, then turned around and headed back

He'd very near made it without being seen
But the local police force were really quite keen
To capture the beast, they'd rather have been
With coffee and doughnuts in the station canteen

The leaves on the path were hiding a net
That sprang up around him as fast as a jet
Then, quick as a flash, poor Jumbo did get
A jab in the bum from the zoo's friendly vet 

Back behind bars but he didn't feel sad
The pachyderm sat with his trunk in the bag
Of buns that he'd woken to find he still had
He smiled as he munched, life wasn't so bad

 He went and he sucked up a trunk full of water
And sprayed passers by though he shouldn't have oughta
He soaked a fat man and his red headed daughter
Who shrieked and who clutched the stuffed bear that he'd bought her

Then later that night with the moon overhead
And the visitors gone and the residents fed
The big, tired beast lay upon his own bed
And smiled as he thought of adventures ahead

All it would take was a little mishap
A gate left unlocked by that old keeper chap
But next time not stopping to take a quick nap
And not walking into a dirty, great trap

Next time he would make it, to freedom he'd flee
Stowaway on a liner and sail every sea
Or find a nice jungle and finally be
What all creatures want, just happy and free

J2H & PDF.

Monday, 6 July 2015

Podcast : J2H does... Hell hath no furry.

I wrote some stories that rhymed. Hear me say yet another of them out loud.

"Hell hath no furry" 

on Audioboom and YouTube.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Hell hath no furry.

Look at it there, curled up on the mat
In front of the fire, your lovely pet cat
Snoring and twitching as dreams it does dream
A look on it's face like the cat that got cream
But make no mistake as you tickle his ear
That sleek, silky creature's a beast you should fear
See, the Devil's last job, before banished below
Was to design the critter to be the dog's foe
He took essence of cruelty and oil of brute
And poured them both in to a small, furry suit
Equipped it with teeth and with claws that could tear
And eyes like a demon and soft, shiny hair

The love of our dogs was already established
We'd chosen to love our terriers and mastiffs
Boxers and Shepherds, Pugs and Shit'zu
Cockers and Spaniels and Rottweilers too
Some bred to protect and some bred to work
Each with his own unique, special quirk
Our dogs had been curling up beneath our feet
Since long before Lucifer first felt Hell's heat
"Never return" bellowed him with the beard
"And take that cat with you, it's icky. It's weird!"
Cast down from Heaven the ex-Angel fell
Screeching and flailing and plunging to Hell

Construction of fiery pits underway
The Devil was toiling away every day
His time now more precious, his project forgotten
Pooing on Brimstone and licking it's bottom
It sat and it watched as Evil was born
Cold and disinterested, yawning a yawn
Soaking up evil, the cat honed his skills
And learnt the dark arts through eons until
Bored with his lot the cat made his way
From Hades to Horwich, via freshly dug grave
He skulked and he stalked his way through the town
Peering through windows, not making a sound

He watched as an infant stirred in his bed
And awoke with a wail to be straight away fed
By a mother who smiled as she cradled him in
Close to her breast and tickled his chin
Son sated and sleepy, mum returned to her bed
Where, now exhausted, she slept like the dead
While in the next room Satan's own handiwork
Slipped in through a window and in the gloom lurked
He sniffed at the air and leapt into the crib
Of the baby now snoring and lay 'cross his ribs
He lapped at the air and did hungrily feed
Upon the sweet breath that the sweet baby breathed

Now, the food in the underworld isn't the best
They've nothing so tasty as milk from the breast
Of a smiling, tired mother while sat by the bed
Of her offspring who'd cried when he'd had to be fed
But it isn't so easy to feed on a child
When your very presence sends it's family's dog wild
So he turned on the charm and he hung round the house
Occasionally killing a rat or a mouse
And chasing off birds and burying turds
Or lying in sunshine, purring his purrs
Until that fateful day, while licking his paws
He came up with the plan that would get him indoors

Old Nick had lost interest before finishing off
The voice of the cat, all it had was a cough
But if the cat coughed, and coughed the cough right,
He found he could sound like a babe in the night
A sound no good mother would ever ignore
A sound that he found could open a door
Or bring forth a bowl all laden with fish
And a splash of cow's milk poured into a dish
Big eyes designed mainly for hunting at night
Lost their evil shimmer when viewed in daylight
So, once he'd licked all the milk from his chin
The infant's daft mother invited him in

The smartest trick Beelzebub managed
Was to bottle pure evil within a cute package
Then let it loose upon the world
Where now upon our laps it curls
And naps and dreams and looks so cute
A demon in an angels suit
But make no mistake, once fast asleep
Upon your chest he'll silently leap
He'll open his jaws and he'll drink in your breath
Feasting until you start to near death
Then back downstairs your cat will creep
To lie on your jacket and go back to sleep

They'll poo in your kitchen and scratch your best chair
They'll bring home what they kill and they'll leave it lay there
On the mat by the door, or worse still on your stair
And watch as you shriek when you tread on it there
They'll purr and they'll preen and they'll watch as you fetch
A dustpan and brush and they'll laugh as you retch
They'll jump on your lap and they'll claw at your belly
Whenever you settle in front of the telly
They'll hate you and long for the day that you die
The day that they'll feast on your cheeks and your eyes
What kind of person, knowing all that
Would choose to share their home with a CAT?